This weekend was completely eye opening, exciting, revealing and most of all unexpected. I felt so completely confused to the point of tears. . . which is why this will by my last cry.

Feeling the humiliation I felt will only be understandable to myself. I had never ever felt so ignored in my life. Now granted, there are people who obviously don't like you who will try and make your outing a living hell...but never the person you think you are talking to. I guess communication is key because I definitely thought one thing while he must have thought another. The hardest part about the situation is knowing that I have absolutely NO IDEA or no definite reasons for his actions. No one can justify those except self, so for me to sit here and make assumptions would merely be digging me a slow grave. Like I have never felt so embarrassed walking into a room and being completely passed up as if I'm not the girl you're with or claim to like. How does that happen that I am so ridiculously excited to see you; yet, you act as if I am not even there? It makes practically zero sense. I know he felt weird when a mutual friends of ours called him over when he was trying to sneak away....little did our mutual friend know ...we had been talking since April. SO....he is looking at the both of us like, "oh, yall know each other?!" which is even more embarrassing because it was not obvious because he made it very clear he didn't want to have anything to do with me. What doesn't make sense is that his friends all managed to give me a hug...and even his little brother doing the most to buy me a drink. It simply boils down to this: he's just not that into me...and he had to justify those feelings in a very childish way. First of all, I do not understand the message he was implying in his text message earlier that day. I guess I should have known that something was not right with a message like that. When I asked him what he meant --he never gave me a response. This ultimately started my worries...if you're going to ask me something and not respond when I give you a response, then what was the point in asking? For your own personal knowledge? To ensure you were the only guy? To insinuate that you wanted to make sure we were on the right path? Or because you still think I am living the single life? Those are questions for me that will always go unanswered. I know that in my heart I did whatever it took to find some meaning behind it all and in the end never received that. I understand that his ex is moving back and that he is in constant roller coaster mode with his feelings...but I wish that he would have man up and told me EXACTLY how he felt. Maybe things would have been different had I said fuck it and just walked up to him as if it didn't bother me....or just grab him and hug him...or jokingly ask him what that message was all about...but I didn't. I had a weird vibe from the moment I walked in...I felt like shit when from my peripheral he tried to run away. So for my last cry...I will say that he was everything a girl could ask for...and in the end....he showed his true colors to be everything I don't want anymore. I want a man who is not afraid to let his past stop him from his future. I want a man who loves to talk to me just because I am on his mind. I want someone who cant go to sleep without hearing me say goodnight. I want someone who if we do live distances apart will be just as happy as I am him to see them. I need someone who is mature and realizes that good things come in and out your life and when you let a good one go it may be hard to win them back.

In other news I felt compelled to call my old best friend. I just know that I had been trying for about a year and why in the hell I thought she'd answer this time...I don't know. I called because an old best friend of ours was getting married and I just wanted to hear her excitement and to just genuinely see how she's been. Out of nowhere...she answered...it was truly bizarre because I was not expecting it WHATSOEVER. On top of that, we talked as if NOTHING had effected our friendship. I think I had my LAST CRY about this situation as well because by the end of the weekend, I found out so many things which broke my heart. Its sad how some ppl lie to get where they want to get in life. The truth will ALWAYS AND FOREVER set you free...which is why I do not lie because no matter what....it can be a day, month or years IT WILL COME OUT....why don't ppl get this? So basically we found out some horrible lies that ultimately set her back from opening up to me. IT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE....it doesn't justify what she did or what I eventually did but it does make sense to why there was so much unnecessary tension. I had so many feelings inside because I know that people will talk. I ultimately try and ignore most things people say...however, I just felt like wow, why am I being so friendly and letting her back into my life so easily...? I started to doubt all the times I went out on a limb to be her friend again without so much as a hello. How was it that she could just come into my life and I was ok with that?? I knew those were the things people would say or try to make me feel bad about....however, in the end I had to do what was right. I can not live with people hating me or not hearing the truth...yes, I know not everyone will like me...but YES...if I can justify my actions or apologize to you like a woman because its the mature thing to do...ima look stupid doing it because its what I PERSONALLY BELIEVE IN. So I must say that after all this time, after all the questions, and all the tears and confusion...I can say that I saw a sincerity that I have never seen. I know that in my heart that questions are answered, a friendship rekindled whether we know it'll be enduring or not...and that the past is truly in the past.

Stacy got married over the weekend and it was in a sense a reason we all got back together ...so for that, I appreciate it. It was weird to see an old friend get married... I mean I've cheered with Stacy since the 9th grade and she truly was a best friend to me. I was not in the wedding, but that doesn't affect me. Its funny because ppl were like, wow, you weren't in the wedding and neither was so and so?? I truly feel that there were others that definitely would have been before me....people grow up, grow apart and thats it. IT doesn't mean that we hate each other...it just means that our distance allowed other great people into her life. So, so what that I was not a bridesmaid...I was a friend in attendance who witnessed one of the most down to earth girls get married. It was a great feeling. Despite my pain I felt for him, I knew that this is what I deserved. The man I am ultimately with will love me as much as I can tell John loves Stacy. I know that as much as I was hurting, it was so wonderful to see that love prevails and that it does indeed exists. I know that I say that love is not there for me...but I know that God will see me through. I know that he has a man out there already created for me that will love my worries, my details, my quirkiness, my silly attitude and sometimes my moods. I know that he is created for me and in the mean time...I will let him find me.

What saddened my weekend the most was not ending things so well with my dad. I know that we have our ups and downs but lately its seemed more downs than ups. I mean it was fathers day weekend...and all I wanted was for him to be happy. I know that his happiness will lie in my graduation and getting out of his pocket. I have had some set backs , yes...but I know that I have worked my ass off. I don't think that hardly anyone in my family recognizes my hard work or perceives me as busting my ass. I think they think I am lazy, or just not trying hard enough. I cant stress enough how hard I work....sure I could always work HARDER...but then I'd suffer a heart attack at 23. My heart already beats inconsistently and always flutters from stress...but I know that I could never say this because my stress doesn't compete to my dads. I mean its sad, and wrong, but I know that he would tell me that he is unemployed and broke and that he is way more stressed than I. I understand that...however, I do not think he realizes that his seemingly non acceptance in me is what is internally killing me the most. I just want to be accepted by him and for him to see that in the end, I will be something. I hate that I feel he doesn't adore my hard work...however, I know that my age plays a huge part. I will be 24 when I graduate which to me is an accomplishment. Most of my good friends are my age, or class of 03 and older. He doesn't see that my friends think IM THE ONE whose doing so well at such a young age. He has lived his life but he has not walked a day in my classes...he doesn't understand that what I'm doing now is to provide for my future as he did his. I understand he feels like his ppl weren't there for him as much as he has been for me; however, without him, I wouldn't be where I am today. It is unsure if the way his parents did him was unfortunate or fortunate. I mean it could go both ways. 1. cut child off at 18 and they struggle and  get caught up in drugs ,or lack of school or pregnant...or 2. help your child out through college to be the best they can be....3. don't help out and they get stronger from the lack there of. I mean seriously, no one can predict what would have happened had I been on my own since 18, but please don't give up on me in my last straw. All I want is love and support and all he thinks is that I don't love or support him. It kills me and is killing me internally...and this I could never explain because he doesn't realize that my silence or "attitude" is indicative of how sad I am inside about our relationship. He feels like I am ungrateful...but I am merely screaming on the inside to just be supported with my school work and my young adult years. I am sorry that he doesn't have a job in this economy and even more sorry that I am still in school and completely dependant on him. All I can do is keep on pushing and working hard and getting my things in order to be a success in the end.

Wow...what a weekend....

It is time for an update...I say this all the time because I have lost what I love to do...which is writing....I have allowed school to completely change me. Its horrible. I thought school was to make you a better person, not consume you entirely to the point of solitude...ah!? I mean I guess it will pay off one day...but its like when will that pay off be? I feel like I am doing the long route...but sometimes when you take the road less traveled you'll end up in a place with more opportunities and things you wouldn't have obtained if you took the road more traveled. so i try and stay optimistic about this road I'm on and only hope and pray that it brings me the success I KNOW I am working so hard to obtain.

I mean I have to....do well....I really hope to do well... sigh...the story of my life...I just wanna be successful...hell Drake said it best....but for me its not so much the money, car and house and clothes...its more self satisfaction, family plans and hopefully a beautiful man that will respect me and love me unconditionally along with our kids. I want that ...bad. I want someone that will love me so much that he basically loves me more than I love him. I think that is key...I mean sure love should be on some form of equal playing field; however, men these days are so ....wow, unpredictable. My dating life has been pretty slim to none and the first time ever, I am not complaining about it. I think it has to do with the fact that I am FINALLY at a point in my life where I just feel good about myself. I mean it feels really nice to not be in a stressful and bad relationship. I just feel soo good right now...I mean of course I want that male companion in my life but if he is not here right now...I guess its ok. I mean honestly, there are a couple of ppl that have my attention....but both situations aren't right. Its really funny how life is ...its so unpredictable, its so unexpected and its so adventurous waking up to a new day which ultimately will not end up exactly necessarily how you want it. But a girl can wish...and I wished I had one more than the other at this point. Wow one is one I really really cared for but he totally broke my heart. Well not so much broke it , but more so broke off communication with me for about a year...and now he wants to creep back into my heart. Even six months ago I may have been estatic..but I think I am finally over him. Well....I cant say that...I just think I care for the other one more. I think it is possible to have strong feelings for two ppl at once....I do know that I care for the other one more...I know it in my heart. HE  is on my level...he is my age, he gives me butterflies...his smile lights up any room...his kisses are sent from heaven and his personality is ideally what I  want my husband to posses. He couldn't be better...maybe because we started off strictly strictly platonic. AND so now that is been a year now that we've been friends...well things are slowly seemingly progressing towards more. The problem is, he just got out of a very serious relationship that I can not compete with. Well I know that I could but you cant unless the other person is willing to let you. The problem is, her once being 3000 miles away has merely turned into probably 10 miles away...she is moving back home...and if for him, I will never really know that. NOBODY can compete with history...I know this first hand. Sadly, there are ppl I know that claim to be in love and if for any reason whatsoever I wanted to hang out or talk they would not care about their current fling. I don't like that at all...I mean yes, I played a big part in your past but if you moved on you moved on. So right now , because its so fresh and the wounds are still open, I know I couldn't compete if he and I started dating and she needed him...he'd probably drop everything to do so.

I want it to be me and only me. I am tired of men cheating...I am even more tired of it being me continuously hurting. The platonic friend ...I have no doubt in my mind that he likes and cares for me...I just know that he is still NOT OVER her..and therefore I have to understand that...I wouldn't want him to jump into anything with me because it would be forced...I want everything to just happen...if it is God's will. So for now, its just me myself and I...I am tired of dating...there is not much that catches my attention....guys are all the same...I am ready to be on my grown woman with a grown man. :)

I am currently ALMOST done with school...which feels good. Its more so to please my parents because if it were truly up to me...Id definitely stay until all my C's were A's. I really want to get into a good PA or Nursing program...and these B's aren't going to cut it. I don't think the rents understand that unless I retake a couple of the pre reqs it may not be  a good look. Granted Ill have this fabulous biology/chemistry degree but goodness...I am so afraid of REJECTION...not as if I haven't seen it A LOT...but rejection when you work so hard is a different story. It hurts bad...and so I want to work against it. Plus...this economy...goodness its killing EVERYBODY...its affected my family in ways I cant even speak on and more importantly, it has put fear into my parents and a lot of americans. Its just a scary feeling...the unknown....I think ppl like knowing what to expect...now we are living our lives wondering if the dow is up or down...its crazyy having to live everyday in constant stress....its really wearing down on my dad whom I love so much. I wish that his age was not playing a huge role in his potential inability to not have a new job....its just too much to handle.

So I think that has been stressing me out the most this semester....just having to deal with my dad not having a job...this semester being the HARDEST I've ever taken...the crazy thing about it is that I got through it...BARELY....it was ROUGH...being a senior science major...and taking 15 hours of all hard classes and labs...wow somethings gotta give ya know?....on top of that just finding a middle ground as far as balancing class and social....at some points its like you cant even have a social....then ur friends are like wtf? lol ....life is life ya know...and I'm just living it day by day...it feels nice. I will admit I stress hella much but at the end of the day I sit and look around and smile because its just getting through the day that is the hardest part.

I do want to start writing more...just because I have  NOBODY here... a lot of my friends are doing random things for the summer and I think it will be good to vent. I don't like calling one person all the time about my little ups and downs...sometimes just venting on here is the best....I know I haven't lately because again...finding that middle ground...but it always helped when I used to write a lot. I just think right now I have so many immense feelings that its overwhelming to bottle them all up. All I want to do sometimes is just lay them all out on the table to sort out...and other things, I just want to erase as a cursive memory.

So its bon voyage to 08' and I have to stop and reflect ...this year was pretty crazy and definitely a growing year. First off, I like to think that every single year is going to be great. I mean u make the resolutions that things will be so you always go into a new year with a positive outlook. Unfortunately for me, the last thing about 07 that brought me into 08 was seeing some things that made me THINK that my now ex was cheating....oh months later I basically know if he was not, he was definitely up to NO good. So I started the new year (then 08) with a break up. WOO WOO...then it was a downward spiral and basically he shouldn't have been allowed into my 08, I should have left him in 07 along with the jewelry, those clothes and the love letters. But for some reason, he stuck around and I don't want to repeat all the gruesome details but we were supposed to work things out...and then one day out of no where, it was POOF, lets be done. So I cried, like any girl would who really thought things were going to take a turn for the better...and then, I moved on....

When he found out I was moving on by going out with my friends, seeing ex boyfriends, he wanted me back.

They always do right?

So I let him slowly back in only for him to make my life a living hell. But I was in love and blinded by truth and trying in the name of love to make something work. All in all I spent at least 6 months of my life in utter turmoil going back and forth. I was never happy in the first half of 08, honestly true.

Then, I was ashamed at myself for not realizing that I had received one of the sweetest emails from someone who attended my same high school just three months prior and never responded. Just ya know, one of those days where you read your myspace and realize you NEVER wrote ppl back. So I did, I responded with short thank yous and everything like that: never realizing that this letter would introduce me to one of the most amazing ppl I could have known. So we talk and realize that our budding friendship is something we missed out on because he had gone to school with me since 6th grade and I never really cared to notice. Now don't get me wrong, he is AMAZING but being a yr younger, I dunno...girls always go for older guys I guess?

So then I had the most amazing SUMMER of my life with him...purely genuine, never sexual, just him and me completely two ppl who actually adored each other. Little did I know he had secretly liked me since he was in the 6th grade. Now this boy ended up being like Mr. Football player of my town and I was a cheerleader and still never really noticed. I dunno why. I guess I have always had boyfriends. So at the time, my ex was somehow back into my existence...and here I am talking to a guy I wished had BEEN in my existence. So it was hard....but after a little bit I realized that EVERY girl deserved to be treated this way. So my ex was mediocre...and it should have stayed that way: that did not last long.

I knew at the end of this fairy tale I had to COMPLETELY cut things off with my ex because he would be in my same city...I had to give the other guy a chance, my heart, and my  trust. But somewhere somehow things went horribly wrong. I broke the other ones heart...he completely lost all trust in me ....and the once childhood crush became nothing more but a distant memory that now was clouded by hurt. I lost the one guy that made me happy to be me...that made me smile for no reason, that truly showed me the world in another angle.....all for someone who had the girl I found things from back in December move to OUR CITY and go to my SCHOOL :complete humilation. I was blamed every day for moving on...when all along he was flying to see her. It still boggles my mind.

I couldn't think....I was still mentally harassed by my ex...he still broke a part of my heart with each beat, and now I didn't have the one guy who genuinely cared. I made my first F in my life followed by my a heart breaking D. I was taking a turn for the worst.

Somehow, somewhere it got better. Maybe because I had to slap myself back to senseless. Here it was July and I finally was out of my zombie mode that I had been in half of 08'. Unfortunately, I LET  a lot of GOOD time go by crying over someone who never truly had my best interests in mind. I eventually saw the guy who means a lot to me...but ya know, something just was not right. My heart was now healed and he was definitely the only one I wanted to occupy it...but guess what? Time heals all wounds and he basically is over me. I mean he wont ever forget how much I meant to him...but in his heart he will always feel like I let him go for my ex. He never undertsood that I had to CLOSE the door before I opened a new one....that I had been hurt so much and that to go from hell to heaven was hard....that I had to heal from the pain and all the tears and names....that I was not used to being called beautiful....I mean it takes time....but he didn't have the time, he had a certain way things were supposed to  happen and that was not Gods will. God wanted me to heal from these wounds before I gave anyone my heart...he wanted me to learn from my mistakes, learn to love myself, and to rethink the decision to give someone as great as him my broken heart. God wanted me to love him whole heartedly, not  with a heart that was shattered to pieces and hardly beat. He didn't understand those things, so I lost him in 08'.

My friends tell me not to give up...to not let good Love go...but wow, I spent the first half of the year crying over love...and then I spent the second half of the year crying over love...but for a different reason. It is not supposed to be that way. THe first 6 months I understood why I cried...but for me to feel the way I feel about him, I shouldn't have cried ANY of the second half. Today is the last day of the year and he is STILL on my mind....as someone that I wish I could be with and bring in the new year with. IT sounds silly but sometimes when you know you've met someone special, you really should try. I have to say I gave him my all and I think he knows that. Once you lose something for someone like he did....I mean I basically f-ed up his entire views of me....his 6th grade crush till now is tarnished....so I mean it is hard to gain those feelings back....today is the day I let go...I wont bring this into 09 because I have given it my entire self...and in 09 I have to shine....no longer can I ALLOW myself to get as low as I got. He wont be forgotten, but as much as he is over me, I am not over him. I think it sucks because there are other guys that are interested....and sadly, I am just still hurting. I mean but then again, what would happen if I allowed myself to let another good guy go? I have always dated the bad boys and passed up the possibility of  true happiness with a good guy....and in 09 I am not going to not give someone a chance just because they don't have that "look" I go for...or whatever the case may be.

On a lighter note....08 was a good year in politics. I mean I really was into the whole ELection thing...and it was quite tiring and intriguing all in one. We have our FIRST African American President and I CAN SAY that I lived it, breathed it and saw it. I can say that I saw him 4 times in person before he was even the presumptive nominee.. I can say that in 08 change was made. I can say that in the 50's racism was alive and blacks and whites were separated...and that in 08 a quiet storm came over America and showed that blacks and whites can come together. I MEAN it was a GREAT year for that....for the first time in my life I felt a wave of happiness come over me that can not be explained. I am sure that other races too felt it, but being African American and having that feeling is a special feeling. From the civil rights movement and Rosa Parks, MLK, Coretta Scott....oh my goodness, we have come so far....and its not about "my president is black" its about my president sees no color, he is a bundle of culture and he represents AMERICA...I love it...and to me that was the best thing about 08!

I also finally got my MOUTH done in 08....which is something that dates back to like 2004. I have been needing upper and lower jaw surgery for years. It is funny becuase when ppl see me, they tell me that my smile is my best attribute. Well I am 2 weeks TODAY with having had the surgery and I look completley different. I am swollen and puffy faced...but I am HAPPY and blessed that this is done. I mean from the outside looking in, you wouldnt know so much that something was wrong except my chin protusion. Well its not so bad so much but my chin being that protruded just meant my upper and lower jaws did not meet...and thus lots of issues....So I am happy to say that in 2008 the insurance finally allowed me to have this surgery and that as swollen and ugly as I feel writing this... I am so happy that this time next year my face should be completely healed (bones and tissue growing properly over the plates and screws) AND braces off!

I could go on and on and on....but I mean 08 was a year of pain...a year of pain that now is my root for growth....it was the seed that was planted and now is ready to bloom....I am so much changed from this year...and as hard as this year was for me, it was definitely the beginning of my transformation into a young woman. I mean it is bizarre how God works but he does in mysterious ways and sometimes unexplainable ways. I look for 09 to be the year I graduate, become successful, develop better relationships spiritually, mentally and emotionally with ppl...and to make a change for myself. Ill be 24 in 09 and its my favorite number...I hope that 09 too represents one of my favorite years.....

ONLY TIME WILL TELL